what a bizarre story. i had a friend who saw ted turner at the tallahassee mall once, eating a cinnabon, but it never felt like he was actually present in the area. i am happy that the jokes about “yearning” and “white hot centers,” long mainstays of the FSU creative writing department which had really gotten kind of tired even if, as i understood it, they were necessary to maintain your sanity while taking one of his classes, will soon be reinvigorated with all this new material. he is not a bad writer mostly but he is so dogmatic about his method and so absolutely superior as to be pretty insufferable.  i am honored that once i was able to annoy him in person. he was wearing a black leather jacket and made me leave the classroom.

life during wartime

August 2, 2007

this story about people in afghanistan watching television every day is heartwarming.

The latest national survey, which dates from 2005, shows that 19 percent of Afghan households own a television, a remarkable total considering not only that owning a TV was a crime under the Taliban but that a mere 14 percent of the population has access to public electricity.

i think the true sign of some sort of apocalyptic attack in the united states would be the lack of television. if the terrorists really wanted to hurt us, that’s what they would do, blow up the direcTV satellite, kill the cable lines. imagine how frightened people would be if they woke up without television.

“But what did they want to watch? Afghan tastes had not been allowed to gestate over decades, passing from Milton BerleJohnny Carson to Bart Simpson. Everything would be brand-new. “We let ourselves be guided by what we liked,” Mr. Mohseni said.”

just imagine, an entire rainbow spectrum of television, everything, for fifty years, just blinking into existence like an all you can eat buffet the size of texas, the varieties, the surprises, the drama.  it’s the kind of thing that would make me cry if i had feelings.

[splashcast GFRU3309IP GADK3229BC]

girls, girls, girls


10 girls off of TV i would like to get with
(with commentary) ((in no particular order))

1 – natalie morales from “the today show”

— i don’t even know why i like the today show so much. but part of the reason might be natalie morales. i find it endearing when people are bad at things and i think natalie morales is absolutely awful at being an interviewer but she is pretty good at being hot.

2 – padma lakshmi from “top chef”

— exact opposite reason. she seems smart as shit, but it doesn’t get in the way of her being hot. plus she would know a good restaurant to eat at first or maybe cook for me.

3 – that chick from the office

— i can be cliche’ if i want.

4 – whitney from “the hills”

5 – heidi from “the hills”

— if i wanted to really hit the cusp of the authenticity/reality television precipice it would have to be whitney, and i find her cuter. heidi is hotter, but probably too hot and i would be uncomfortable because she is hot and knows it. so probably whitney. we would eat sushi awkardly beforehand.

6 – mary tyler moore circa early “dick van dyke show”

— if i could live in the universe of any TV show i think it would be the dick van dyke show and i would want to be dick van dyke. he has a kick ass job, his own tv show, great friends, a smokin wife. although i don’t like the kid, and all the episodes that are centered around the kid and really the kid can just get the fuck out.

7 – chick from “bewitched,” black and white years

— although maybe i’d rather be on bewitched. i am probably closer to darren stevens in my bumbling/lack of ambition and he still does have a cool manhattan advertising job and what i like more about bewitched is that if i can remember they don’t have kids for so long, like a couple seasons. i never got what people of my generation thought was so attractive about that bitch from i dream of jeannie. i could see the argument about her showing her navel and breaking taboo and everything, fine, if you were pubescent when it first came on, but with the access that my generation has to television partial nudity and internet porn, it has to be blatantly obvious that jeannie was just not that hot. elizabeth montgomery, on the other hand, is a fine ass lady. only in black and white, though, not in the color seaons, though, color fucked her up in a way that i think it will fuck some actresses up when everybody gets HDTVs.

8 – that bitch off of “globetrekker” on the travel channel

— she’s not even that hot and she has the worst fucking dress sense in the world, all baggy cargo pants and ugly peasant blouses, she looks like the consummate tourist, which i guess is the point. i saw an episode once where she got wrapped up from head to toe in a moroccan rug and found it intriguing. and there is something about women who don’t dress that well, you know. especially bulky, ill fitting clothes because at first you look and it’s like, do you look in the mirror in the morning, girl, but then it’s like oh shit, i wonder what’s under there, what kind of invisible topography be working under those linen slacks. it’s kind of a parallel thing to the fact that a women who is really hot can wear anything and she will look hot anyway.

9 – petra nemcova off of “a model life”

— i am saying her instead of the way hotter young models because i can’t remember which ones of them are legal and which aren’t. this also kind of ties into the previous thing about hot women wearing anything, because the scene where i decide that she is attractive is she has all the models over to her apartment for a potluck dinner and she invites them up and she is wearing this atrocious pink sweatsuit thing that doesn’t even really match and is way too bulky and looks kind of cheap but then she just kind of radiates hotness rays out of it.

10 – rory gilmore from the gilmore girls

— ok so this was harder than i thought and i had to go downstairs and look at the tivo and then i was like, whoah, dumbass, how did you forget rory gilmore. and no, i mean rory gilmore, not alexis bledel. this underlines the point that it is the actress playing the character and not the actress. because although i am sure she is a lovely person, i know that in real life she doesn’t have that rapid fire smart allusive referential witty dialogue (which is really half of her appeal), and i know she was in that stupid video for a pop punk band, so anyway, has to be the character. if it couldn’t be the character, maybe she could wear an earpiece with a small inobtrusive mic and there could be a room full of writers down the hall coming up with screwball shit for her.

i have issues.

this is a cover of “girls, girls, girls” by jay-z. i switched up the vocal line to this weird descending apocalyptic shit which i came upon while trying to harmonize. it sounds freaky but i kind of like it.

before going out to party, my favorite album to play is the blueprint. it drips confidence, it emits musk. listening to the three song sequence of “takeover”, “izzo (h.o.v.a.)”, and “girls, girls, girls” is like taking a couple of shots. and if you take a couple of shots while you’re listening, all the better.