heidi on jimmy kimmel

January 25, 2008

HEIDI – “It’s kind of…i don’t know, kind of like a young “Sex and the City,” is how they describe it. It’s about four girls and we’re all living in LA and we’re working and it’s about the ups and downs of relationships.”

We just all do our lives.” (my italics)

“I met Lauren and we were like the only two blondes in our class and we were just a little scared, a little nervous – we were like, oh, let’s be friends.

JIMMY – “Do you think you guys’ll get married?”

HEIDI – “I mean we’ll see, you know, I love him, you just have to watch the show and see.” (as if marriage is a performative condition, like, if the ratings are high enough then we’ll get married.)

HEIDI (on her music producer) – “Everything he does is so, it’s all original, you know, it’s not- it’s from outer space – literally from God is the only way I can describe it.”

JIMMY (showing the posed paparazzi photos) – “Are these paparazzi photos? Because it looks like, i mean, it looks like you posed for these.”

HEIDI – “I mean, they just happened to be there.”

JIMMY – “Do you have to bring a blow drier to the beach?”

HEIDI – “Yeah, you just have to be beach-ready.”

JIMMY (showing Heidi’s maxim cover) – “Now, they say “The Hills”‘s hottest bad girl bares her claws, but you seem to be, uh, a fairly nice person. How have you become the villain on the show, how has that happened?”

HEIDI – “Because I don’t narrate the show. And that’s the whole difference, like, if I narrated the show, I feel like it would be…a different show, you know?

JIMMY – “Who would be the villain, if you narrated the show?”

HEIDI – “I mean, then L- you know, it would kind of be more-”

JIMMY – “Then Lauren would be the villain”

HEIDI – “A little bit. Through my eyes, not necessarily a villain because we have different mind frames and I’m not quite like that, but…”

JIMMY – “If you could punch her in the face, would you?”

HEIDI – “No, I wouldn’t, I’m not that kind of person. I’d pray for her.”

JIMMY – “You do? Do you really? Every night or how often do you pray for her?”

HEIDI – “Like, five times a day.” (laughs)

JIMMY – “Like, when you sit down to pray, you kneel when you pray?”

HEIDI – “Um, sometimes.”

JIMMY – “-or you just lay there in bed and pray?”

HEIDI (moves into orant pose) – “Sometimes I just sit there, like-”

JIMMY – “So do you say, ‘God, please have mercy on LC, that little bitch…” (Audience laughs)

HEIDI – (hands clasped, mock prayer) – “Please help her… no”

JIMMY – “How do you position the prayer for LC?”

HEIDI (uncomfortable/or trying to get back on message) – “You know, I’m going to kind of keep that-” (hand motion)

JIMMY – “You’re going to keep that -”

HEIDI – “-to myself a little bit. Like, to your imagination.”

JIMMY – “Well, but wait a minute, I mean, really, you’re followed around constantly by – there’s cameras on you in the bathroom!” (skeezy laugh, like he’s imagining her in the bathroom). “You’ve got to let us in on your innner… All right, well, if you ever decide you want to pray on camera, I hope, I hope that you’ll-

HEIDI – “I will. I mean, I don’t know if they’ll air it or not, I mean, our show’s not “The Truman Sh-”

JIMMY – “I mean here, I’ll let you do it on camera.”

HEIDI (uncomfortable) – “Oh…OK.”

JIMMY – “We’ll have a whole -”

(crowd applause, whistles)

JIMMY – “Dear God, please send lightning down on LC.”

HEIDI (smile, high pitch) – “No, I’d never wish that on anyone.”

HEIDI – “It’s a lot harder to hate somebody than just be okay with somebody and let it go.”

HEIDI (on her single, “Higher”) – “This was the first song I wanted to come out with because it just it’s really a piece of me and it’s really personal and you can’t hold grudges and you can’t let negativity hold you down, you’ve just got to go higher.”

JIMMY – “This is a theme for you.”

HEIDI – “It is a theme.”

JIMMY (channeling Murray) – “In your case, your past is actually reruns, your past is on DVD.”

—-

watch this video. the fact that the prayer thread goes on so long is crazy, and jimmy’s feelings re: the invasion of her privacy are kind of interesting, re: his historic freakout about gawker stalker. obviously to him, since heidi is on a reality show, she is less than a person and thus should spread her legs on command if he asks her to. my transcription doesn’t even include the part of the video in which she is subjected, “clockwork orange” style, to picture after picture of audrina in the tabloids as jimmy continues to refer to audrina as one of her best friends. also worth noting is that heidi says “life’s too short, you can’t hold grudges” on three separate occasions in one interview. watch this video.

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