hiatus, part 4

January 31, 2008

Heidi is working. Heidi is working at Bolthouse. Heidi is at work at Bolthouse. Heidi is doing her job at Bolthouse. Heidi is getting some work done at Bolthouse. Which one sounds better? Which one sounds more professional? Heidi is professionally doing her work at Bolthouse? Is that right, can you use it in that way? On her business card, what should it say – “Heidi Montag, Professional Worker”? “Heidi Montag, Working Professional”? Like, if her mom called, Heidi would probably say, “I’m at Bolthouse, mom, doing some important work,” and her mom would ooh like she always does. If Brent called, well, he wouldn’t call, he would just walk over because he’s next door. If Spencer called, she would probably say “I’m at work,” because with Spencer she doesn’t have to pretend, well, at least she doesn’t have to pretend in that way. And anyway it’s not like he has a job, but that’s okay, he has a lot of options, he’s keeping his options open. It’s important for me to keep my options open, he said, and for now I have my Heidi to bring home the bacon. He said that to Heidi and then he kissed her in the middle of the restaurant right in her chair and a lot of people watched and it made her feel good and better and best.

Bring home the bacon. Why do people say that? Was maybe bacon really important at one time, like it was like gold, so when people brought home bacon they were bringing home money? Salt was like that once, salt was really important. People killed each other for salt, they fought wars about salt. Now you can get it for free everywhere, like at McDonalds. Jews don’t eat bacon, but Jews have all the money, so maybe that story isn’t true. A myth is a story that isn’t true but sometimes people believe it anyway, like evolution. Bacon is best with pancakes, but pancakes are bad because of all the carbs. Bacon is bad because of saturated fat, but if you do Atkins then it’s okay. But people don’t do Atkins anymore because of the saturated fat, so maybe it’s not okay.

Heidi is working. That’s the away message she finally settles on – “Heidi is working.” Simple, clean. It makes her feel good. Working is important. Working out is important. A healthy mind is a healthy body and the other way around. Heidi went to yoga class once with Lauren. At the end of the class, the teacher had them sit and meditate. Heidi sat and pretended to meditate but didn’t really meditate, because the teacher said you sometimes see things when you meditate, like light or a vision or something, and Heidi didn’t want to maybe see a vision of the yoga god. The yoga god was in a painting on the wall in the yoga room. The yoga god looked scary and had a lot of arms and heads and eyes and looked scary. Heidi sat and pretended to meditate, which was harder than she thought it would be. Concentrating on pretending to not concentrate takes a lot of concentration. After class, Heidi asked if Lauren saw anything when she meditated, like light or a vision or something, and Lauren laughed and then they got drive-through french fries.

Working is important. Heidi is supposed to call some people about some things. These are important calls that have to be made so that things can happen so that other things can happen. Brent gave her a list of the people to call and their phone numbers and the reasons she is supposed to call them and the things she is supposed to say when she calls. Also she has to fill out some paperwork with some information and then courier it to some people so that things don’t get delayed. Delays are bad and they cost money. Time is money. Time flies. Also she has to organize her desk because it’s getting way messy and messes are bad and unprofessional. Also she has to write some lyrics, but that’s not work. Well it is work, it’s hard work, really, but it’s not work work, so it really shouldn’t count in her work list but just in her general to-do list.

A pop-up pops-up and Heidi clicks it shut, but it won’t click shut, it stays there, stuck. The computer freezes and Heidi has to pull out the battery and unplug it so it can restart and now she’s lost so much valuable time that she could be using to get things done like making calls or filling out paperwork or the other job related tasks that she does every day. Computers are annoying. Why is it called freezing if the computer doesn’t get cold? Heidi hates distractions. Focusing is hard as it is. A lot of people have a hard time focusing. There are just so many things. The world is full of things and you have to decide what things are important and what things are not important and not just that but what things are important to you and what things are important to other people like Spencer and what things are important to your job and not just that but what things are important right now and what things will be important later and what things will be important even later. The things are all around you and it’s hard to focus because there’s just so many of them.

Working is hard. Writing is hard. Sometimes things are so hard and it gets to you, it makes you sad. Heidi has a notebook in her desk and she uses it when she has ideas for lyrics for songs. It has a picture of a unicorn on the front. It’s like a school notebook for little girls from Walmart. Heidi grew up in a small town, so much smaller than LA. When Heidi was in middle school, they got a Walmart. Spencer got the notebook for her and said it was for her songs. Writing lyrics is hard. Heidi is so glad she’s got her new producer. Her new producer is black and black people are better at music than white people. Heidi is not racist. She loves Stevie Wonder and she wants to make music like him. Sometimes she closes her eyes while she’s recording vocals and pretends that’s she’s blind too. Blind people can’t see things so they don’t get distracted by the things they see – they have less things to deal with. Heidi wants less things, she wants to block the things out so she can find the things in her soul that she wants to sing about. Heidi is so glad she’s got her new producer, who’s black. David was so mean. He laughed at the lyrics she wrote in her notebook and Spencer stood behind him and laughed too. Later, at home, Spencer said he was just pretending to laugh. He said sometimes you have to pretend things for business. David is white. He’s Brody’s dad and Brody turned out to be mean, too. Maybe meanness is genetic, like skin color.

Heidi is at work. Brent used to be mean, but then he stopped for some reason. Now he is nice and he buys her lunch sometimes. He doesn’t eat lunch with her but he buys it and has someone drop it off in her office. Salads, usually. Sometimes there is a post-it note that says “Heidi – Lunch is on me today, keep up the good work – Brent.” That’s nice – it’s nice to leave a note. Good work. Good work is what gets you into heaven. You have to believe but you also have to do good work. It is a fifty fifty kind of thing. Heidi does good work, or at least she tries. She works hard to do good work. The computer is finally restarted. She changes her away message – “Heidi is doing good work.”

Mean people suck. That’s a bumper sticker and it’s also true. All bumper stickers are true but some bumper stickers are truer than others. When Heidi was in seventh grade, her mom told her that she really wanted a bumper sticker that said “My Daughter is an Honor Roll Student at Crested Butte Middle School.” She said she wanted it so she could put it on her car so people could see what a great daughter she had, even if she didn’t know them. She said that people would maybe see the bumper sticker and then drive up beside her and roll down the window and say, “Hey, what’s your daughter’s name, she sure sounds smart!” and Heidi’s mom would yell, she would have to yell because cars move fast and wind and stuff, she would yell, “Her name’s Heidi!” and people from three towns over would know who Heidi was, she would be famous. Heidi tried really really hard to get the bumper sticker, like really, but she was never good at school. Well, she was good at some parts of school, but not the school parts of school, which are the parts that decide whether you get a bumper sticker or not. School is important for some people but not for everybody – some people have other directions they can go in, some people have talents that are hidden and reveal themselves later, some people have options, some people have to keep their options open. On the day that the bumper stickers were handed out, Heidi went behind the gym and showed a boy up her sweatshirt for his bumper sticker, but then he ran away and didn’t give her the bumper sticker. It was her favorite sweatshirt – it was really soft because it had been washed a lot.

Heidi is at work. There are just so many things.

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