February 1, 2008
i was going to write a letter to lauren on the occasion of her twenty second birthday but then i realized how that would be hypothetical and stupid. i mean obviously it would be hypothetical because i don’t know lauren and obviously it would be stupid if for no reason but that ridiculously formal phrasing, “on the occasion of her twenty second birthday,” like we are living in “the princess diaries” or something. in the letter, i would talk about how i have been twenty two for a couple of months now and how it has been a pretty lame couple of months and how i know she has a lot of problems in her life but there are positive things too which she should appreciate and how i empathize with her and try to understand her problems and how that is the reason i write about her, because i want to understand her and already you are seeing how embarrassing this letter would be.
but it might not only be hypothetical and stupid (and embarrassing), because what if she read it? that would add horrible to the list of adjectives. i think most fans who write about celebrities dream of the celebrities that they write about reading what they wrote about them. i think most fans would like that because they write about the celebrities because they think they understand something about the celebrities that other people don’t understand or they think they love the celebrities more than other people can or do. i think both of those things are true about me and and LC and the gang, but i think it would be the worst thing in the world for me if lauren or whitney or heidi or audrina or lo or spencer read anything i had written. i would just die. first, i’m sure reading it would creep them out like if you found a note from a stalker or something and while i like to creep out people who like to be creeped out (hello, dear readers), these people don’t seem like people who like to be creeped out and i don’t want to creep out people i like if they don’t want to be creeped out. but beyond that, i think reading the things i’ve written about them would maybe make them self conscious about their performance and that would be no good. i mean, obviously they are already kind of self conscious about their performance, that’s why it’s performance and not existence (although i don’t think the two are really different at all, duh), but right now they are exactly the right amount of self conscious and if they read the things i’ve written about them then it might be a tipping point, like in that book “the tipping point,” and they could become too self conscious and the whole enterprise would become this shitty mid-period john barth novel and then i would be sad and i would have to write a blog about something else, like my feelings.